Believe Your Justice

That's the tagline for a Japanese video game, called "Metal Wolf Chaos", about the President of the United States using a giant robot to fight the army after a cupe de' ta pulled on him by the Vice President. It's riddled with hyper-patriotic iconography and terrible one-liners. In short, it's one of the most awesome things ever. Kinda like that bacon burger that uses two doughnuts for buns.

It's been a few months since my last pity party, so I thought I should post something along the usual lines of self-depreciation and whining. Kinda like how an alcoholic will go out boozing just to celebrate being sober for the last few months. Incidentally, you really should drink while on depression meds, or read existentialist literature while drunk. You'll either get wasted enough to have a night you can't remember or forget that you exist and loose track of your sense of time and self.

Actually it's something everyone should do, you're a hell of a lot braver when you're not really sure you're in the real world.

Anyhow, I cooled things down in the dating game once winter hit. I wound up getting tired of the swanky restaurants downtown and that stuff get's expensive real quick anyway. I wound up ending things with latest girl after I realized I just didn't see her as anything more than a friend. She invited me to some "end of semester party" which wound up being a pretty fun time and her best friend told me I'm cute. Truth be told, I was expecting it to be some sort of trap where she hides behind a corner with shotgun and a score to settle. But no, we wound up getting drunk and playing "Telephone Pictionary" instead. Maybe this is a sign that I'm getting a handle on the dating world and that my luck is starting to change....

Or I'll wind up in the clutches of a harpy with borderline personality disorder who'll blindside me with physical and emotional affection and then the drain the life outta me that MBS hasn't.

I've realized that I really should quit MBS, even if the money is decent enough for hourly grunt work and I should be grateful to have a job in this economy. The work is agonizingly dull and some of the people there make me physically ill. As much fun as an emotionally disturbed amateur MMA fighter can be, they wind up making pretty terrible supervisors and co-workers. There's one guy who's 31 and he still feels like he's gotta prove his masculinity by always talking about how much beer he drank or how many women he fucked over the weekend. Now I like talking about booze and pussy as much as the next guy, but Christ it makes you a really fucking dull person when that's ALL you talk about. If I'm there any longer I'm going to shoot myself.

Actually there are a couple of cool people in there. One of my co-workers is a horror movie buff and we always go to Ragtag's "Cult Movie Night".

There is one super awesome thing going on right now, but if I keep talking about it'll never happen. Just like when you make a wish when you blow out candles on a Birthday cake or pray. I'm sorta in process of pitching this idea for a TV to this producer who apparently loves people who are as crazy as hell. It came though thanks to a friend who now lives out in L.A. and the director of the film company I edit for. I'm not gonna get my hopes up on this, but if it's meant to happen....

Tricks and Ho's

Last time we met Internet, I was pulling myself out of the emotional gutter and trying to glue my confidence back to together. I wound up spending the better part of a month drinking like Hemingway and listening to a ton of Velvet Underground. But cracking a beer first thing in the morning sends off a few warning signs and you can only listen to "All of Tomorrow's Parties" so many times.

Anyhow, I wound up going on the rebound with a Jehovah's Witness who's obsessed with the Twilight franchise. I'll let that one sink in for a second.....

The next two girls just stood me up. One of them I never heard back from and the other just laughed at me when I confronted her about it. I'm not someone who advocates violence against women, but I should have hit her upside the head. Honestly, who stands people up for fun? Probably a bitch. I've had a few friends tell me that Eazy-E is right and that "Bitches ain't nothing but tricks and ho's". I think I had to learn that lesson the hard way, because if what I've experienced so far is how dating and relationships really work then goddamn. Either I need to abandon the idea of ever having a "rest of your life" relationship with a good person, or just accept that contempt is what really drives these things.

Things at the ol' Internship have been moving along well. Atlantic Records has been sending in more work; so I've really had the chance to improve my work and pad my resume. I'm supposed to have some promo stuff for a feature length film the company shot back in '07 or so done by the 1st of October. I've got one project done and another that's well on it's way to being finished. Won't tell 'ya what they are just yet, you'll have to see them when it's time.

Last night Ragtag showed the movie Troll 2. It's just as a bad as people say it is, but I had a pretty good time seeing it. Also, I got my photo taken with the guy who played the Dad. That's some major nerd cred.

Use Your Giant Robot to Kill God Forever!

I felt terrible yesterday Internet, my whole body hurt and I had to fight off the urge to sob until I was somewhere alone. Today feels a little better, I'm not a %100 just yet but another project came in from Atlantic Records so I've got that. I'm gonna self medicate tonight with a bigass bowl a Trix, crappy beer (No need to associate good beer with awful feelings right Internet?), and twenty gigabytes of Japanese Giant Robot cartoons.

I'm gonna give you a crash course in bigass robot cartoons so get your massive sideburns and burning spirit ready. There are essentially two schools of giant robot animes, real and super. Real robots are typically rooted in actual science or at least pretend actual science. They're either gigantic and cumbersome or frail and nimble. At best they're going to realize there's such a thing as the laws of physics.

Super robots however ignore physics or reality all together, and they're a lot more fun. Expect them to have wild design motifs like being made out of Lion robots or something. They're usually powered by some esoteric power source and in some cases nothing but courage and sheer determination. I like these the best simply because it's kinda hard not to be inspired when the hero is spouting lines like "Courage turns %0 into %100!".

I'll talk about this later, I just realized I should never drink Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Part of the Game.

It's 3am on a Thursday morning and I've got to be at work in a few hours Internet. I woke up around 2 and I haven't been able to fall asleep, might as well run to your cold, indifferent, and impersonal apron.

I'll give you the long version because somehow Internet you've yet to abandon me when I'm at my weakest, you've also never really been there...or an actual person. I met someone off an Internet dating website about a week ago and I she just dumped me last night. I know what you're saying "It's only been a week, blah, blah, blah" but rejection hurts all the same.

The first time we met was to see a Korean made spaghetti western. It was pretty awkward at first but once we got the awkward hellos and feelers for psychosis out of the way, it seemed like a really good decision. Also, I grabbed her hand during the "High Noon Showdown" scene at the end because I'm smooth like that, or not.

The second time was another movie; she likes them and I work for them so whatever. When I walked her to her car we locked eyes and kissed. I'm not gonna say it was my first because that's admitting a personal truth a man just doesn't admit to, but I will allude to it. Anyway it was brief and unceremonious kinda like the rest of the milestones in my life. At least we're keeping with the motif right?

The other night was the first time I was invited back to her place. I didn't get to sleep with her, so you don't get to jump to that conclusion Internet. However, there was a moment where she placed her head on my shoulders and I rested my head against her's and I felt like we just connected. The room felt unbearably hot, my heart was racing, and I wanted to stay in that moment as long as I could. I let my guard down Internet, and told her something I'm really afraid of.

So last night she tells me that work has to take center stage and that she had a fun time, but it's pretty much over. I've started to notice a pattern here Internet, just as soon as I let my guard down around someone something happens where I get hurt; with Jess and Sarah it was their trampyness, this other girl though was just the victim of circumstances beyond her control.

My heart is gonna yearn for that moment on the sofa Internet, it's gonna yearn real bad.

P.S. I'm as dumb as hell and still have her as a FaceBook friend so if you're reading this HELLO I AM AS DUMB AS HELL! BUT THANKS FOR FINDING SOMETHING IN ME WORTH HAVING, FUCK IF I KNOW WHAT IT IS THOUGH.

Mumblecore

I think I'm in one of those obnoxious indie "mumble core" films right now. You know, where the geeky looking protagonist is done with school and trying to make sense of the world. He's working some dead end job as he saves up for some fantastic dream on the horizon. In the meantime, he's looking at his hometown and all the places he went to as a kid; discovering that they don't live up to how he remembered them. The movie it's self is petty and banal, but the soundtrack is fantastic.

My boss at work is starting to have fits about how many books we've got to put away. It's my job to see that said books are put on a bookshelf, all day, five days a week. I can't say that I share his concern about putting them away; there will always be books to put away. There really isn't a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction with work, and I think you'd back me up on this one Internet. The summer workers started a few weeks ago and now they're getting pretty chummy with the full-timers. One of my co-workers has made it his life's mission to hop into the Daisy Dukes of one of the girls working for the summer. I don't fault him for wanting to, she goes out of her way to display her assets whenever possible.

I'm starting to feel pretty secluded at my other job. It's mostly because of my day job, I just don't have as much time as I'd like to dedicate to it. They've got three new interns who've effectively taken my place. I know that it's really more of an issue of time rather than talent, but I can't help but feel envious of all the stuff they're getting to do. If it weren't for the fact that the company can't afford to pay for it's self, I'm sure that wouldn't have had to take up my book job. Oh well, that's how things in the indie film biz go.

I should really quit the book job as soon as I can, there isn't a lot of thinking involved and it's exactly the kind of job where someone who likes to worry about stuff shouldn't be. For example I met this girl through my boss at the film company a few weeks ago. She and I got into this debate about faith and proving how people either have it or not, and I can't say if I was into the fact she was rocking the Thelma look or that she was smart. (I'm a nerd, don't judge me Internet) Anyway, She and I go to see this movie at an indie theater with a few friends. I was trying to play it off like it's no big deal. It's honestly been three years since I've gone out on anything that resembles a date, and I didn't want to come on too strong. After the movie, we're bullshitting around when I catch her making out with another guy. That pretty much put the breaks on the whole evening. I shouldn't have let it get to me because she apparently has a reputation of being a tramp, but a painfully boring job afforded me the chance to find fun ways to figuring out how it's my fault. Sometimes I can't shake the feeling that there's little if anything that makes me attractive.

Oh well, I've always got you Internet.

If Only For Now

It's time to check in and see how I'm doing at the game of life right now. Did some things right, some wrong, and some not at all. I knew the challenges that would face me since I decided to get a degree in Media Production. Film is probably one of the most cut throat industries there is, next to Columbia Drug Lords and Private Security Contractors. Given all it's faults, it's still an amazing place to be and it opens doors to a lot of experiences I want to have.

STUFF DONE RITE

Foot In the Door:

Between graduation and now, I've been an intern for a local film company in my hometown. I've dropped their name enough times and anyone who actually reads this whiny tripe will know who they are. Even though I'm not being paid, it's the best job I've ever had. I know that if I stick with them and wait for the right opportunity, something good will come of it. Right now I'm helping promote a film they made back in '07. I'm in the midst of a somewhat secret project that'll go up at the end of summer to promote the movie launching on iTunes.

Break Into the Indie Scene:

I volunteer at the indie theater whenever I can and that's been a good way to just meet people. Can't say that I had that many friends in College, but it still sucked to leave them. Although some of the regulars at the theater are "eccentric" it's nice to know a circle of people who like to watch movies outside of the mainstream. It's also a great way to feel like an arrogant douche, I finished college I earned it.

Writing That Two Feet:

My screenwriting professor liked to quote some guy who said that all writers have to write at least two feet of material before they can even think about selling their work. Right now I'm working on three different feature length films. Are they good? fuck no.

Getting a Day Job:

The film company would love to pay me if they could (They can't I've seen their books) so I had to get a normal person job. After four months of looking, I got myself one. I just started so it's too early to tell, but my impression is that it's banal city. I've worked worst jobs for less, so really can't complain.

On the Horizon:

One of my coworkers landed this job with a writer out in LA. He told me that I can crash at his place once he get's settled and that there's nothing for me in Columbia. Is he right? Yup. Will I take it? You're goddamn right I will.



SON I AM DISAPPOINT

Ultimate Nerd Shame:

I moved back into my parent's house. The folks are great 'an everything and I like free room and board, but goddamn is it embarrassing. Turning into one of those nerds who lives in his mother's basement is probably my greatest fear. I'm pretty close to becoming that right now. I'm gonna blame the economy on this one, not my piss poor ability to think ahead.

Boyfriend-Free-Girlfriend:

My last relationship, if it can be called that, was three years ago. It was the first time a girl had ever felt anything more than "weird little brother" about me. We were together for maybe a month tops and then I left for my grunt work summer job back home. She wound up with someone else, don't blame her. I wanna try again, but I don't really feel like I've got anything to offer. I know I wouldn't date me, I'd drive myself crazy.

Overall

I could be doing a lot worse for myself right now, but I could also be doing better. If I keep with the internship and save up money from my day job I just might be able to escape from the black hole known as the Midwest. If not, I still have the option of quitting the game.

Calling the Kettel Black.

A number of you from the facebook know that I've got a number of complaints logged against one of my roommates, Neil. I really don't know what's up with this guy, all I do know is that he manages to push all of the right buttons for me to dislike him. The other roommate is pretty cool, I think he's there to balance things out.

I should have known right off the bat I wouldn't like him when I checked out my room assignment this summer. All I saw was that he was a theater production major, and a phone number. I thought at first he'd be someone I could talk shop with (I'm a Media Production Major) but after googling around I saw my first red flag. He's the secretary of the Missouri State Anime Club.

For those who aren't "in the know" anime is cartoons from Japan and it's the hot nerd fad right now. Anime nerds (Animu Weaboo) tend to be a different breed of nerd than the typical North American Nerd (Americanus Dorkus). Where regular nerds will try to seek out other members of it's species, anme nerds secluded themselves in the darkness of their mother's basement. In the social hierarchy of the nerd kingdom, anime nerds rank fairly low.

The second came when I moved in and mentioned to him that I liked to play online games. He then worried how my game playing would affect his ping. (In laymen terms: how slow his connect would be) That question struck me as odd, but I didn't pay much mind to it. When I was unpacking my stuff he was screaming at his teammates in Team Fortress 2 about something, I thought it was kinda funny so I didn't mind it. He also plays Magic: The Gathering on conference call and those turn into a fantastic display of nerd rage. Justin and I told him that it's just a card game, but we're too uncultured enough to appreciate the subtleties of cardboard cards with naked faeries on them.

The third piece of the nerd trifecta came when he admitted to Justin (The other roommate) and I that he had an anxiety disorder. He was spazzing out over some assignment he had and I told him to chill the fuck out. I heard from Justin that Neil has failed most of his classes and that if he doesn't shape up he'll be kicked out of his major. (I've got twenty riding that blows it) I don't feel bad for him because he put himself in that spot and college is supposed to be a time where kids pretend to act like adults. One of the common nerd traits is to mach personality flaws with disorders so that they have something to hide behind.

I think the reason why I can't stand him is that he's the physical embodiment of my deepest fears. He's smelly, fat, whiny, and probably doesn't have many friends. I'm fucking terrified of becoming like him. He's made it clear that he thinks I'm far to cynical and negative, but I think those are the things keeping me from turning into him. We both have a deep sense of self loathing, but at least I'm productive with it. (Justin commented that I absolute hate myself but the jokes I make are hilarious. He also sees me as the most emotionally sound roommate for some odd reason)

I started working out in the dorm's fitness room and dropped like twenty pounds since the start of the semester and I'm close to bench pressing my own body weight. Working out apparently makes me feel fucking fantastic. I'm also working this semester and volunteering with this weekly news broadcast. I forgot who said that people feel purpose though meaningful work, but he's right.

Anyhow, I graduate in December so I don't have much longer with Neil (Thank God and/or current ruling cosmic deity) I honestly feel like a normal person compared to him. Fuck, maybe I am.



Nah.